Friday, November 8, 2013

Puking is Funny

While Jonah’s cuteness has been well established by the rabbinic standard of two or more witnesses, he has developed a couple bad habits that I would like to discuss:  dribbling and shooting.

The Great Ring of Wetness:          Dribbling
We have now transitioned from having a relatively neat child to having a child who explodes something from his noggin from time to time.  Some people call it drool or spit (my personal favorite is slobber), but I have noticed that, whatever it is called, it creates a large ring of wetness, beginning at his shoulder blades, rising over his massive deltoid muscles, extending down the front of his chest, making his nipples and belly button constantly wet.  My boy can’t keep dry at either end, God bless him.

We have resorted to having a 24-hour bib on him, changing it once every fifteen minutes or so.  It’s wild.  For a person who only ingests 25-30 ounces of liquid per day, he certainly drools a lot.  His dirty clothes hamper is so heavy with drool on some days that I have hired large Scandinavian men named Magnus to come and help me carry it into the laundry room.  He simply can’t stop.  He’s a little droolery store.  I catch him down at the drool hall with his no-count, drool-hall friends.  

This new wetness has also created a dilemma:  which end do we dry out first?   It’s tough trying to decide which part of his anatomy we should wipe:  the one that we have to look at, or the one that he is most concerned with.  Most days, it’s a toss up.  The other question is usually more pressing:  with what shall I dry him?  Here is a short list of the items I have used to dry off Jonah’s face:

burp rag
extra outfit in the diaper bag
my shirt (I was wearing it at the time.)
Sunday’s shirt (She was wearing it at the time.)
paper towel
pillow from couch
stuffed animal
dog down the street
front door mat (says, “WELCOME”)

I am certain that he’ll dry up one of these days, but I hope it’s before we sign him up for junior high. 

What Kind of Puke?:          He shoots
Now this is the part of the job I was expecting for quite some time:  puking.  For some reason, the drooling and the puking have come in the same month.  I don’t know if this is some conspiracy between the washer/dryer companies and the laundry detergent manufacturers, but we’ve been cleaning some clothes like you wouldn’t believe.

Anyway, with the puking come different kinds of puke, which I will describe for you now.

#1  Open mouth, let the formula drain. 
This produces by far the largest volume of vomit per episode.  This is where Jonah looks you straight in the eye, opens his mouth as wide as he possibly can, and allows the formula to escape his body, through his mouth.   This method of vomiting can be particularly dangerous for the person who foolishly thinks that, with every opening of Jonah’s mouth, he invites a quick snuggle or even a kiss.  Many a woman at church hath been bathed in the putrid waters of used soy formula with this mistake. 

#2  The phantom vomit.
This vomit is unusual, especially for the parent who prides himself on watching every move his child makes.  For some reason, Jonah will be playing, clean as a whistle and look up with vomit caked all over his face.  Additionally, this vomit seems to have been applied to his face with a trowel.  It’s got a thick consistency.  It’s like dry grits, without the butter. 

#3  The payback vomit.
I believe this special brand of vomit allows Jonah to become a type of “Angel of Justice” for the Lord.  This vomit occurs when a sinner holds Jonah for more than a minute or two.  Jonah senses the dark side of whomever is holding him and then he launches his own, personal brand of righteousness.  Using vomit, the sinner receives Jonah’s baptism of holiness.  This is a more public vomit, usually requiring us to apologize for our son.  But we know the real reason Jonah pukes on people:  he loves the sinner, unconditionally.   

#4  The shotgun vomit.
This is the fun vomit, the knockout punch.  It’s the vomit that keeps the crowds coming, time after time.  It can be preceded by a belch or a cough, but the best “shotgun vomits” are the ones that sneak up on you.  It looks like someone had pumped up Jonah—like a BB gun—to his highest pressure and then BOOM! his head snaps back with the force of the vomit.  This is the kind, where, afterward, Jonah tries to keep both his eyes in the same orbit while maintaining a sense of balance.  (it also seems to be the kind where he enjoys the most intense post-vomit bliss)

His vomiting and drooling have required us to become more alert to his surroundings, making sure he doesn’t drool or puke on anything expensive.  (Since we don’t own anything expensive, we’re usually worried about other people’s stuff).  We’re also having fun with it, too.  In our house, puking is funny.

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