While
Jonah’s cuteness has been well established by the rabbinic standard of two or
more witnesses, he has developed a couple bad habits that I would like to
discuss: dribbling and shooting.
The Great Ring of Wetness: Dribbling
We have now
transitioned from having a relatively neat child to having a child who explodes
something from his noggin from time to time.
Some people call it drool or spit (my personal favorite is slobber), but
I have noticed that, whatever it is called, it creates a large ring of wetness,
beginning at his shoulder blades, rising over his massive deltoid muscles,
extending down the front of his chest, making his nipples and belly button
constantly wet. My boy can’t keep dry at
either end, God bless him.
We have
resorted to having a 24-hour bib on him, changing it once every fifteen minutes
or so. It’s wild. For a person who only ingests 25-30 ounces of
liquid per day, he certainly drools a lot.
His dirty clothes hamper is so heavy with drool on some days that I have
hired large Scandinavian men named Magnus to come and help me carry it into the
laundry room. He simply can’t stop. He’s a little droolery store. I catch him down at the drool hall with his
no-count, drool-hall friends.
This new
wetness has also created a dilemma:
which end do we dry out first?
It’s tough trying to decide which part of his anatomy we should wipe: the one that we have to look at, or the one
that he is most concerned with. Most days,
it’s a toss up. The other question is
usually more pressing: with what shall I
dry him? Here is a short list of the
items I have used to dry off Jonah’s face:
bib
burp rag
onesie
extra
outfit in the diaper bag
my shirt (I
was wearing it at the time.)
Sunday’s
shirt (She was wearing it at the time.)
paper towel
napkin
pillow from
couch
stuffed
animal
couch
dog down
the street
carpet
front door
mat (says, “WELCOME”)
I am
certain that he’ll dry up one of these days, but I hope it’s before we sign him
up for junior high.
What Kind of Puke?: He shoots
Now this is
the part of the job I was expecting for quite some time: puking.
For some reason, the drooling and the puking have come in the same
month. I don’t know if this is some
conspiracy between the washer/dryer companies and the laundry detergent
manufacturers, but we’ve been cleaning some clothes like you wouldn’t believe.
Anyway,
with the puking come different kinds of puke, which I will describe for you
now.
#1 Open mouth, let the formula drain.
This
produces by far the largest volume of vomit per episode. This is where Jonah looks you straight in the
eye, opens his mouth as wide as he possibly can, and allows the formula to
escape his body, through his mouth.
This method of vomiting can be particularly dangerous for the person who
foolishly thinks that, with every opening of Jonah’s mouth, he invites a quick
snuggle or even a kiss. Many a woman at
church hath been bathed in the putrid waters of used soy formula with this
mistake.
#2 The phantom vomit.
This vomit
is unusual, especially for the parent who prides himself on watching every move
his child makes. For some reason, Jonah
will be playing, clean as a whistle and look up with vomit caked all over his
face. Additionally, this vomit seems to
have been applied to his face with a trowel.
It’s got a thick consistency.
It’s like dry grits, without the butter.
#3 The payback vomit.
I believe
this special brand of vomit allows Jonah to become a type of “Angel of Justice”
for the Lord. This vomit occurs when a
sinner holds Jonah for more than a minute or two. Jonah senses the dark side of whomever is
holding him and then he launches his own, personal brand of righteousness. Using vomit, the sinner receives Jonah’s
baptism of holiness. This is a more
public vomit, usually requiring us to apologize for our son. But we know the real reason Jonah pukes on
people: he loves the sinner,
unconditionally.
#4 The shotgun vomit.
This is the
fun vomit, the knockout punch. It’s the
vomit that keeps the crowds coming, time after time. It can be preceded by a belch or a cough, but
the best “shotgun vomits” are the ones that sneak up on you. It looks like someone had pumped up
Jonah—like a BB gun—to his highest pressure and then BOOM! his head snaps back
with the force of the vomit. This is the
kind, where, afterward, Jonah tries to keep both his eyes in the same orbit
while maintaining a sense of balance.
(it also seems to be the kind where he enjoys the most intense
post-vomit bliss)
His
vomiting and drooling have required us to become more alert to his
surroundings, making sure he doesn’t drool or puke on anything expensive. (Since we don’t own anything expensive, we’re
usually worried about other people’s stuff).
We’re also having fun with it, too.
In our house, puking is funny.
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