Friday, July 25, 2014

Adult Kissing Baby

Jonah is the kind of kid who has never blocked affection.  He doesn’t turn his head or scream when you try to give him lovin’.  Jonah takes what he can get.

So, when Sunday or I kissed him on the cheeks or the neck, he usually giggled or presented himself for a little “sugar search”.  This month, however, Jonah stepped it up a notch.  He tried to show us that he’s a team player and he’s willing to be more proactive in his lovin’.  Jonah started the lifelong activity that we hope he’ll enjoy forever:  kissing.

For many, the hierarchy for kissing begins with the more innocent “peck” on the cheek, then the lips, and then the more adult open-mouthed kisses.  Jonah has not been hipped to the jive, man.  He was a little more “adult” in his lovin’ and he had no clue that he shouldn’t be kissing his Momma the way he did.

Let me paint the picture for you.  Sunday or I held Jonah, with few distractions.  (We have discovered that Jonah does not “perform” when other people are around.  He simply won’t bow to the pressure.  He won’t.)  Then, Sunday or I would say, “Jonah, give me kisses.” 

While we requested multiple “kisses”, Jonah only gave one at a time.  To be honest, one kiss at a time from Jonah was plenty.  And when he decided to make his move, he was lightning fast.  (I’m not looking forward to his dating days).

Here’s the scene: 

Sunday says, “Jonah, give me kisses.”

Jonah smiles and says, “Momma.”

Sunday says, “Jonah, give me kisses.”

Jonah shakes his head and says, “Momma.”

Sunday says, “Jonah, give me kisses.”

And Jonah, cobra-like, strikes.  Before she knows it, Sunday has been “kissed” by Jonah. 

Let me break this down for you.  Jonah distracts whoever is requesting the kisses by saying “Momma” or “Dadda” or “Nana”.  This misdirection allows Jonah the time to gather his plan.  Then, as the person requests another kiss, Jonah moves in for the kill.  He opens his eyes as wide as he possibly can open them, and then he cocks his head back, and pivots in for the kiss.  His mouth, however, is wide open, and his tongue is sticking out.  (He may be part French, I don’t know.  If he suddenly surrenders every time someone wants to fight him, we’ll know he’s French).

As he acquits his object of affection, Jonah’s face does not betray a look of satisfaction.  In fact, I believe that Jonah is as surprised by his attempt at lovin’ as the person who receives his kisses. 

Thus, both kisser and kissee leave the experience with an overwhelming sense of confusion and disillusionment.  I am happy to report, however, that Jonah has not given kisses to those who have not been able to handle the shocking aftermath.  At any rate, the end result is a wet kiss by an overexcited toddler.  It’s like being seduced by a large mouth bass.

When kissing Jonah, however, make sure that he hasn’t eaten in the previous hour or that he isn’t currently drinking something.  Sunday has had a mouth full of used crackers simply as a result of her desire to have a kiss from Jonah.

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