Saturday, December 7, 2013

Apple Juice and Gorilla Grunts

Drinking Apple Juice 
We attempted to give Jonah apple juice as a remedy for his constipation, but we had a slight bump in the road when it came to apple juice.  For some reason, Jonah wasn’t cool with the whole switch to the fruity beverage.  In fact, some would argue that my man didn’t like apple juice. 

To counteract his aversion, I tried different methods.

I tried feeding him apple juice before feeding him anything else in the morning.  His reaction, while strange, was nonetheless negative.  He was whimpering a little because he hadn’t eaten all night, but I didn’t think he was all that hungry.  When he began on the apple juice, expecting the regular formula, all was ok until he began tasting it, halfway to finishing the bottle.  All of a sudden, the contented look on his face changed to one of shock and downright outrage.  My man was angry.  Someone had taken his life source, nay, his very soul and replaced it with a sugary sweet version of his heavenly elixir.  In an instant, Jonah was mad and he wasn’t going to take it anymore.  

Yet, he calmly, clearly maintained his power position in the relationship by looking at me with the “what-in-thee-world-are-you-thinking-Dad” look on his face;
or was it the “am-I-in-the-correct-apartment?” look on his face;
or was it the “have you-lost-your-daggone-mind” look on his face. 

At any rate, he was nonplussed for having apple juice in the morning.

So I tried it about an hour after he ate, but he doesn’t want any of it.  Not a bit.  He sticks his tongue out and puts up a huge block for the bottle.  He’s recognized that this liquid is not the formula and apple juice is not his thing.  This time, however, he dispenses with the particulars of polite conversation and lets out a bellow that cracked the foundation of our apartment. 

Translation for this scream:  “NO, not this stuff again!  It tastes like.  I don’t know.  How can I form a simile without the requisite numbers of taste options!” 
Another translation:  “It looks like pee!  It looks like pee!” 
Another translation:  “I hate sweet things.  IhateumIhateumIhateum.” 

He Makes Strange Noises
Jonah’s major form of communication can be broken down into four neat categories:  smiling, laughing, screaming, and strange noises.  The first two forms of communication, smiling and laughing, charm everyone from Jonah’s parents to the complete stranger.  He’s a brilliant schmoozer who cannot resist “working the room.” 

The other two, however, are not so endearing.  At this point in his life, Jonah only screams on three occasions:  when he’s tired, when he’s extremely hungry, and when he feels like screaming.  When he feels like screaming, Jonah lets out a yell that rivals most every other form of yell, from the heavy metal brand of yelling to the more common “Rebel Yell.”  I sometimes feel like I am raising the future lead singer of Aerosmith.  (Yep, they’ll still be touring when Jonah gets old enough).  His yell sounds like someone has felt the Holy Ghost while simultaneously being shot.  (Just imagine a television evangelist getting a cap busted in him.  That’s what it sounds like).    He doesn’t have to be in a bad mood or in a good mood.  I truly believe Jonah screams just to break the monotony of his young life.

His noises, however, present a more entertaining side of Jonah.  He has developed quite a repertoire.  Here they are.

The Dolphin:  Here, he opens his mouth widely and makes an Ack-Ack-Ack-Ack noise like a dolphin makes.  From time to time, I feel for the dorsal fin, just in case he develops a leaking blow hole. 

The Fog Horn:  This one comes on when he is a little drowsy.  His face gets a bluesy look to it, with his eyes slit and his mouth puckered, and he makes a haunting OooooOOOOoooo, just like a fog horn.  I try to imagine Jonah getting a job on the North Carolina coast somewhere, acting as a human safety measure for all boats entering the waters near Outer Banks.  He could be a life saver!

 The Silver Backed Gorilla:  Sometimes, when Jonah gets particularly excited over a toy or something on the floor—think Extended Reaching Position—he attempts to convince the item to come to him by creating a deep-throated sound that “punches” the air.  OOO.  OOO.  OOO.  It sounds a lot like a gorilla.  I wonder if he picked up something while he visited the zoo in Louisville…

The Haunting Moan:  The last one is a mixture of one of the other three noises, combined with exhaustion.  Jonah makes this noise because he attempts the Dolphin, the Fog Horn, or the Silver Backed Gorilla while he goes to sleep.   I can’t really transliterate the sound he makes, but it is one of the funniest noises ever made.  Just imagine a very small boy trying to imitate the noise of a very large gorilla, but in slow motion.   I usually stand by his crib and wait for this noise.  About a quarter of the time, I am rewarded with the Haunting Moan.

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