Drinking Apple Juice
We attempted to give Jonah apple juice as a remedy for his constipation,
but we had a slight bump in the road when it came to apple juice. For some reason, Jonah wasn’t cool with the
whole switch to the fruity beverage. In
fact, some would argue that my man didn’t like apple juice.
To
counteract his aversion, I tried different methods.
I tried
feeding him apple juice before feeding him anything else in the morning. His reaction, while strange, was nonetheless
negative. He was whimpering a little
because he hadn’t eaten all night, but I didn’t think he was all that
hungry. When he began on the apple
juice, expecting the regular formula, all was ok until he began tasting it,
halfway to finishing the bottle. All of
a sudden, the contented look on his face changed to one of shock and downright
outrage. My man was angry. Someone had taken his life source, nay, his
very soul and replaced it with a sugary sweet version of his heavenly
elixir. In an instant, Jonah was mad and
he wasn’t going to take it anymore.
Yet, he
calmly, clearly maintained his power position in the relationship by looking at
me with the “what-in-thee-world-are-you-thinking-Dad” look on his face;
or was it
the “am-I-in-the-correct-apartment?” look on his face;
or was it
the “have you-lost-your-daggone-mind” look on his face.
At any
rate, he was nonplussed for having apple juice in the morning.
So I tried
it about an hour after he ate, but he doesn’t want any of it. Not a bit.
He sticks his tongue out and puts up a huge block for the bottle. He’s recognized that this liquid is not the
formula and apple juice is not his thing.
This time, however, he dispenses with the particulars of polite
conversation and lets out a bellow that cracked the foundation of our
apartment.
Translation
for this scream: “NO, not this stuff
again! It tastes like. I don’t know.
How can I form a simile without the requisite numbers of taste
options!”
Another
translation: “It looks like pee! It looks like pee!”
Another
translation: “I hate sweet things. IhateumIhateumIhateum.”
He
Makes Strange Noises
Jonah’s
major form of communication can be broken down into four neat categories: smiling, laughing, screaming, and strange
noises. The first two forms of
communication, smiling and laughing, charm everyone from Jonah’s parents to the
complete stranger. He’s a brilliant
schmoozer who cannot resist “working the room.”
The other
two, however, are not so endearing. At
this point in his life, Jonah only screams on three occasions: when he’s tired, when he’s extremely hungry,
and when he feels like screaming. When
he feels like screaming, Jonah lets out a yell that rivals most every other
form of yell, from the heavy metal brand of yelling to the more common “Rebel
Yell.” I sometimes feel like I am
raising the future lead singer of Aerosmith.
(Yep, they’ll still be touring when Jonah gets old enough). His yell sounds like someone has felt the
Holy Ghost while simultaneously being shot.
(Just imagine a television evangelist getting a cap busted in him. That’s what it sounds like). He doesn’t have to be in a bad mood or in a
good mood. I truly believe Jonah screams
just to break the monotony of his young life.
His noises,
however, present a more entertaining side of Jonah. He has developed quite a repertoire. Here they are.
The
Dolphin: Here, he opens his mouth widely and makes an
Ack-Ack-Ack-Ack noise like a dolphin makes.
From time to time, I feel for the dorsal fin, just in case he develops a
leaking blow hole.
The Fog
Horn: This one comes on when he is a little drowsy. His face gets a bluesy look to it, with his
eyes slit and his mouth puckered, and he makes a haunting OooooOOOOoooo, just
like a fog horn. I try to imagine Jonah
getting a job on the North Carolina
coast somewhere, acting as a human safety measure for all boats entering the
waters near Outer Banks. He could be a
life saver!
The Silver Backed Gorilla:
Sometimes, when Jonah gets particularly excited over a toy or something
on the floor—think Extended Reaching Position—he attempts to convince the item
to come to him by creating a deep-throated sound that “punches” the air. OOO.
OOO. OOO. It sounds a lot like a gorilla. I wonder if he picked up something while he
visited the zoo in Louisville…
The
Haunting Moan: The last one is a mixture of one of the other
three noises, combined with exhaustion.
Jonah makes this noise because he attempts the Dolphin, the Fog Horn, or
the Silver Backed Gorilla while he goes to sleep. I can’t really transliterate the sound he
makes, but it is one of the funniest noises ever made. Just imagine a very small boy trying to
imitate the noise of a very large gorilla, but in slow motion. I usually stand by his crib and wait for
this noise. About a quarter of the time,
I am rewarded with the Haunting Moan.
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