My father acted in
ways that defined himself as a father while still being a full-fledged
parent. He didn’t act as an extension of
my mother. At times, we certainly wished
he did, but he didn’t.
Here’s one major
bit of evidence.
Dad came home from
jogging one day, carrying a two-foot-long blacksnake. He wanted to show us what it looked like,
allowing us to hold it, look at it and otherwise keep it from biting us.
Bottom line, Dad didn’t
mind introducing us to danger. By
danger, I don’t mean anything that could kill us or maim us permanently. I’d call that mortal danger, which is much
different from plain, run-of-the-mill danger.
Mortal danger involves safety ropes, parachutes, oxygen tanks, and rabid
dogs, cut brake lines and ticked-off grandmothers. These scenes of mortal danger are not the
issues that my Dad took on for lessons.
My Dad, to put it bluntly, has an equal fear of heights and angry
octogenarians. Thus, he only taught us
about the danger around us.
Run-of-the-mill
danger represents the normal, every-day things that a boy might encounter. In our world, a black snake was a normal
“danger.” Where we lived, snakes were
common and snakes needed to be encountered. And Dad brought it to us. Taught us how to hold it. Not poisonous. Not deadly.
And that was the
message. “Go ahead, take it. It’s NOT POISONOUS.” Dad’s reason for bringing us a live, two-foot
black snake was simple: he wanted to
show us danger in a father-controlled way.
He showed us to see what black snakes looked like, to hold them safely,
and to admire the power and beauty of such an animal. He wanted to ensure that we would be able to
recognize real danger in the woods where we played and in the backyard where we
spent most of our time. “This black
snake won’t hurt you in a serious way.” Dad’s lessons were real for our lives
as young boys who loved the outdoors. The
snake was a moving, writhing lesson in a controlled environment.
Unfortunately, the environment
changed. For some reason Dad had to
leave to go to work, and Mom hadn’t gotten back from her job, so it was my
older brother’s task to “hold down the fort” until Mom got back. By the way, if you want to have a snake in
the house, and you want your fourteen-year-old boy to “hold down the fort”
until Mom gets back, then tell them what to do when—not if—someone gets bitten
by the snake. Namely, tell the boys to
keep their traps shut.
Dad must have been
confident in his snake safety lesson, because as he was leaving, Dad said,
“Just throw that snake outside when you’re done with him.” With that, he skipped out of the house,
confident that we had learned the valuable lesson of snake handling. Unfortunately for Dad, young boys don’t
usually hold to “safety” lessons for long after the safety person leaves.
Needless to say, I
began doing something stupid with the snake—I honestly don’t remember what—and
the snake didn’t take too kindly to such treatment.
Now most of the
time, black snakes are not very aggressive.
They avoid contact with animals larger than mice and other vermin they
eat. Black snakes often squirm off to
safety whenever humans come around and they usually don’t mind being handled,
but only when the handler has respect for the snake.
I didn’t have
respect for the snake.
Thus, the snake
craned its body around to my hand and sunk its fangs in my young flesh. A surreal pause in my life occurred there,
with the snake buried in my hand, and I…..began…..to….run.
I sprinted outside,
disconnected the snake from my hand, and threw it in the open field beside our
house.
I ran back into the
house and yelled with triumph, “I got bit by the snake! I got bit by the snake!” My brothers crowded around me with jealousy. The two small puncture wounds had begun to
bleed and the real envy flowed. They
wanted a snakebite too.
By the time the
envy had subsided, however, we really hadn’t had the lesson on “what to do when
you get bitten by a snake.” So my older
brother had the great idea to call Mom to ask her what we should do.
I shall now explain
a phenomenon that most people experience, but do not often see explained. This phenomenon occurs when two dissimilar
groups attempt communication: Male to female,
Parent to child, Voter to Politician.
One group may communicate a message, but that doesn’t mean the other
group hears the same message.
Thus, the problem
with my older brother’s phone call revealed an early lesson in
communication. This is what my brother
said, “Dad left a snake here for us to play with and it bit Matt. What should we do?”
This is what my
mother heard: “Dad brought home an
ultra-poisonous black mamba snake and it swallowed Matt. We can see him through the snake’s body. Oh look!
Matt’s waving to us through the snake’s skin. Isn’t that neat that Matt can be swallowed
whole like that by a snake that Dad himself brought home? Does this mean we’ll have better vacations
now that Matt is no longer taking up all that money with his clothing and food
requirements? What should we do?”
Mom was
nonplussed. As she began questioning my
brother, he began forgetting a few details, like, what kind of snake was
actually in the house in the first place.
Not good. Not good at all.
Mom quickly got off
the phone with Joe and called Dad. After
a number of intense conversations, Mom and Dad came to an understanding. You
might think that Mom demanded that no more serpents be invited into the
home. You’d be wrong. You might think that Mom demanded that we,
as boys, never be allowed to encounter wild animals picked up on the side of
the road. Wrong again. You might even think that Mom would require Dad
to temper his “danger training” to us boys.
You’ve just struck out.
No, Mom knew that Dad’s
training was important, not only because it allowed us to recognize dangerous
situations, but also because it taught us how to handle them when they went
wrong. Sure, I was bitten by a
non-poisonous snake. But we didn’t hide
it. We didn’t even try to lie about
it. Joe said it the way it
happened. “Dad brought a snake home for
us to play with.” That’s what
happened.
Mom knew that,
while bringing a snake home is unusual for many parents, it allowed us to know
more about our surroundings. After he
brought that snake home, we could recognize a black snake (nonpoisonous), but
we could also recognize other snakes (poisonous) that we may have
encountered. We went away knowing what
could hurt us and what could not hurt us.
Mom simply wanted
to notified. That’s it. If Dad was going to bring something home—and
he often did—she wanted to know about it. She even wanted to be in on the
experience.
Happily, the result
of the calls and intense conversations did not include what many television
shows or movies include. At the end, Dad
wasn’t an idiot. Heck, he wasn’t even
wrong. Mom saw to it that we didn’t
consider our Dad an imbecile simply because he viewed parenting differently
than she viewed it.
1 comment:
OH MY GOSH..... I have laughed so hard, monte had to come finish reading this one to me.... Im bawling with mascara down my cheeks..... Im sure this is so funny, simply because I know you all and can hear the conversations, each of them..... BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! love it.
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