A friend of mine
asked me the other day if we went to the beach regularly when I was a kid. Since we lived four hours from the ocean, she
thought it would have been a normal activity for us to enjoy. Unfortunately, we were not a normal family.
I answered that,
no, we didn’t regularly go to the beach and that I did not go to the beach with
my family until I was an adult. Every
year, we traveled from Virginia to Weatherford Texas, to visit relatives. Every year, we would load up the car, pack
homemade cookies and sandwiches, include a jug of apple juice, and begin the
drive to Texas. Every year, we returned
from Texas never wanting to smell, taste, see, or hear about apple juice. Ever. Apple juice smell has a half-life of 3200
years. It sticks around forever.
Most years, we
traveled during the summer, when school was out for vacation, which allowed all
three kids and Mom and Dad to have the stress-free environment of a 22-hour car
ride. Imagine the scene. The three kids would ride in the back of the
car, unless Mom fell asleep. Then one of
us would be required to sit up front. Unfortunately for those years, we sat in a
small Toyota Corolla without the benefit of a portable DVD player or Satellite
Radio.
Thus, our vacations
became a type of contest, with the person who could sleep the most during the
trip won a special award: sanity. Family unity doesn’t come any better than when
you’re stuck with each other without benefit of fresh air or DVD player. In addition to the close proximity—one does
not move very easily in a 1979 Toyota Corolla—we discovered that the vacation
time created something we did not experience during the non-vacation time. It’s called boredom.
After years of
research on my family, boredom has one distinct result. We all become very annoying. On these car trips, my Dad would not allow
anyone else to drive because he says he can’t sleep when someone else is at the
wheel. To compensate for the exhaustion Dad
would feel—usually around the 18-hour point, Texarkana—he would blare the
radio, turn on the air conditioner all the way, and begin singing whatever
happened to come through the speakers.
You don’t know fear until you hear the words to “Take This Job and Shove
It” being sung at full throat while the air conditioner of a Toyota Corolla
emits a sound similar to that of a whale belching. As a ten-year-old boy, the scars
remain. I still can’t hear Johnny
Paycheck sing without the air conditioner blasting.
In fairness to Dad,
there were others in the car who may have had an annoying trick or two. For instance, my mother would ration
cookies. I think back on those days of
rationing cookies and I think, “What could have motivated this woman, other
than sadism, to torture her family in such a way?” We had three ravenously hungry boys who could
have eaten the head rests, if given enough ketchup, and she’s rationing
cookies! The outrage! And we ate, according to the schedule set by
mother. Four hours to the border of
Virginia, then you can have a cookie.
Just one. Although Mom baked
enough to fill up the trunk, only one may be eaten at a time.
Four more hours
into Tennessee, and then you can have a sandwich and some apple juice.
Four more hours
until Memphis, another cookie. And so
on.
Every four hours,
we got something else, until we got to Texas.
We still talk about
this maneuver at holidays. Sheer psychological
devastation.
And then there were
us boys. I am certain we had the normal
“he hit me” or “he won’t stay on his side” arguments, but they didn’t last
long. Either Mom or Dad had the talent
necessary to stop a silly argument in a minute.
(There’s nothing like threatening to abandon your child in Jackson,
Tennessee, to get that kid behaving again.
Even though we were cramped, we knew we didn’t want to start life over
in Jackson.)
No, we had other
problems. Take, for instance, our diet
during these trips. Apple juice, tuna
fish sandwiches and cookies. Want
something else? Tough it out. Got a hankerin’ for baloney? Too bad.
Want to nibble on some Doritos?
Not in this lifetime. We’ll get
to Nanny’s house and you can gain ten pounds in a day and a half. Until then, fill your gut with some tuna.
As little boys will
do, we had bodily reactions to such a diet.
By the end of the trip, our car smelled like a strange mixture of apple
juice and used tuna. Sure, Mom or Dad
could have declared a moratorium on the exhalation of all gas, but we would
have done it anyway because, to boys, gas is too much entertainment to pass
up.
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